Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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