I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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