Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
