I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
