I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
3 2 1 whiskey
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize