I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
