I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
