Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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