a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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