Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
