How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
