If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
