he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
