i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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