last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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