i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
