a queef is a wish your heart makes.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
