she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
