Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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