I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
