I want to walk on stilts...naked
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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