True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Randomize
