Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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