Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
