4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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