I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
