I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
