we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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