I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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