i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
