Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
