Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
