i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
