My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I need water and some morals
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize