If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
