And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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