His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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