It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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