I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
