Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize