So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize