we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Mom said you looked used
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
