My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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