i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
