This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
