I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
