i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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