U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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