I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
