dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
