I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
