Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
