she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
