OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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