Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
