I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
