Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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