New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
