Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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