So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
