Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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