my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
