You just made me feel so damn special
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
