I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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