Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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