And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
