They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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