I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
