i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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